I don’t feel like myself. In fact, lately I don’t feel like anyone. I feel the swell of the ocean called depression threatening to take me under…again.
Some might think that my medicine has stopped working; I shudder to think of what i would be feeling right now if I wasn’t on my THREE antidepressant medications. Yes, I said three. That should give you some idea as to what this “swell” might look like if I wasn’t on medication at all.
I’ve tried that before-not taking my medicine. Let’s just say that that didn’t last for long. Sometimes I wonder if I’d even be here without meds.
Even on meds I’m experiencing uncomfortable bouts of despair. Not sadness…freaking despair. My brain tells me there is no hope. My heart tells me hope is a preexisting condition that life sometimes bullies into submission-but it’s still there lying dormant waiting for one thing, something, anything to break it free.
So I’m getting up everyday. That counts, right? I’m getting out of bed and attempting to get things done. That’s where it becomes tricky. Because my depression mind, can’t focus on anything. I have lost all enthusiasm for things that used to excite me. But I still keep trying.
I sit at my art table and throw paint down. In fact, I started a mental health art journal. Trying to visualize what my depression looks like. Spoiler it looks like a lot of dark colors. I sit at my computer and write stuff like this hoping that maybe the words will slip past my asshole brain and somehow make sense on the page.
But the bottom line is that I am trying. And believe me some days that trying looks a whole lot like laziness. To those of you with depression, you get it. Those of you who are lucky enough to have no idea what I’m talking about just imagine your body being stuck in quicksand*. The more you fight it, the deeper you go and the more exhausted you become which makes your depression even worse. So sometimes it’s easier to just sit in it and hope the next day is better.
How would you describe depression?
*Did you know that in the 1960’s almost 3% of all movies had characters sinking in quicksand? I remember feeling like it was a real threat in life. LOL