New Year = New Old Me


IMG_2429Here we are again – a new year with possibilities waiting to unfold. For many, that means a complete makeover—mind, body, soul. The big three. The holy trinity of guaranteed happiness. An overhaul. And while some will be looking to buy a whole new computer, I’m looking to reboot the one I have back to its factory settings.

It really wasn’t that long ago that I used to know what I was doing. I was by no means perfect, but I had an idea of what I needed not just to survive, but to live. After all, that’s the point, right? I’d like to say this past year was that time, but I have to be honest with myself and admit that it’s been the past few years that I’ve lost sight of my own picture.

Last year was particularly bad. I was hit hard with one of the darkest depressive episodes I’ve ever had. And it lasted a very long time. A combination of life stuff and a full hysterectomy that unleashed a pretty horrific army of hormones or lack of, and I began a spiral that nearly ruined me. (But I did get some good poems out if it).

I won’t get into the particulars, but it was bad enough that I chose to admit myself into the hospital—a decision that would affect my whole family in a way that has caused many problems. 😦 It was a difficult decision for me to make considering the stigma attached to such places. And why is that? Shouldn’t we be applauded for recognizing that we need a break, that we need help?

I’ll write more about my experience in the hospital in another post because I think it’s an important post and doesn’t need to be lost in the middle of another.

Back to my reboot. For me it’s the simple stuff, that I’ve allowed to be swallowed up by the struggles I’m having in other areas of my life. And when I say simple, I mean just that simple, basic.

  1. Eating – it’s something I tend to forget when I’m stressed or depressed. And then when I do eat, it’s usually not the most nutritional. Think pickles and crackers. Honestly, food is never something I’ve really enjoyed like I feel like I’m supposed to. Remnants of my days courting an eating disorder, I’m sure. So even on the days when I would remember to eat, it would make me sick. Like my body wasn’t quite sure what was happening.
  2. Drinking –  let me clarify – drinking water. I had the other covered. I know I must be severely dehydrated. Sometimes I’d go the whole day having only had coffee in the morning, and wine in the evening. Other than water to brush my teeth, I really didn’t have any. Not good. No wonder I’m tired all the time. Oh yeah, you can add pickle juice to that list, because I love me some pickle juice. I’m surprised I haven’t dried up.
  3. Exercise – I always know I’ll feel better. Always. And yet….

So there it is—easy as pie. Right? So it would seem. I want it to be easy. But I know that I’m going to have to dig in and go all Nike on it, and soon. So why is it so hard for me?

I’d love to know if you struggle with some of the same issues. It’s in sharing that we learn. I’ve shared. Now it’s your turn!

Tag! You’re it.

Peace, Ginger




Previous post from July 6, 2016

*I’m reposting this because I find that I have come full circle, once again, back to this place of intention where I question who I am and what I have to offer. This place I know so well because it accompanies an longtime acquaintance of mine, depression. When I am here, I recognize things – unsettledness, unquietness, an uneasiness that permeates me to the core. And in this discord, I find my mind wandering erratically from one thought to another and back again. And as I sat here tonight working on my new blog – an attempt at answering that question what do I have to offer? – I was reminded of this post and found it to be relevant. So perhaps it is that my depression comes calling when I have need to allow myself to wander again. 

Intention: the thing that you plan to do or achieve; an aim or purpose. The opposite of which is aimlessness, avoidance, thoughtlessness.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about intention.. What things do I do with intention, and why? For example, in yoga class, prior to beginning practice, it is encouraged to set an intention – a reason to be, a reason to do. Intention gives meaning and purpose to tasks that might otherwise have none.

But I’ve been wondering if maybe things are too intent-driven these days. In our society it seems that everything circles a target, a place to get, a place to be, a purpose. So what happens when we set our intentions aside and simply let ourselves be?

If intention is aim or purpose, then the opposite would be allowing ourselves, and our minds to wander. What happens when we allow ourselves to wander without intent? I believe that we become open to so much more.

Intention focuses our gaze, directs our path, leads us. Without it we wander and explore openly all that is around us. We neither lead, nor are we led. We follow that which calls to us, no matter what the that might be. In doing so we become open and wide-eyed, child-like and curious.

When you were a child and you went exploring whether it was in the woods, or in your backyard, chances are you didn’t have a “to find” list. Most likely you set out just because you were bored, or curious. I used to come home after a day of exploring my neighborhood, or yard with pebbles in the shape of hearts, rocks that had stars embedded in them, locust shells, or a crown made from clover. All things I would have missed had I been on a mission and not allowed myself simply to wander. I still do this today.

The same concept applies to our minds. We should allow ourselves time to daydream, to wander freely around the corners of our minds because it is there, behind the lists and lists of intentions that the real magic is waiting to be dusted off.

Intention promotes reasoning. Wandering promotes wondering. And I believe that it is in wandering that some of our greatest problems are solved, some of the best ideas conceived.

Consider this: You are much more likely to hit a target if you are aiming at it, right? But what about all of the other possibilities outside of that target? Say the bullseye is intention. There is only one. But radiating from that one single intention are so many other possibilities waiting to be discovered. And if we are focussed on that ONE intention, look how much we might miss. Is it worth it? The bullseye still remains, but we allow all other possibilities a chance to exist as well.

Is the world attempting to communicate with us in ways we aren’t even aware of? Does intention hinder our deeper senses? How much of the world is blind to us?

Which way will you go?